See that girl up there, well…that’s me. Lol, I’m kidding, that’s not me. It’s just a picture I got off Google that kind of fit my mood as of now.
I am Kemi, 24, brown-skinned, engaged and always hungry. I am also a hopeless romantic….I love love but love doesn’t seem to love me.
Sometimes I wonder what it feels like, to have someone who loves you…and I’m not talking about the awesome, unconditional love of God which is just wonderful…I am talking about love from another human (male, for me) that makes him see my flaws and embrace them, compliment me all the damn time, kiss away my tears (literally), laugh at my terrible jokes, put up with my ear-splitting singing (if you’re like me), always listens to me even when I may not make any sense and even arrange my apartment just to show he cares.
Well, I wonder a lot…and that’s ironic because I have a boyfriend, a fiance who I’m about to get married to. Don’t misread the situation though, he loves me alright but sometimes he just makes me feel so obligated…he acts as though he’s doing me a favor by getting married to me and sometimes, I even find myself thinking that he is. This whole union has become so toxic to me but all the wedding plans are made, our families have met and as you can understand, my mother has told the whole world!
I am so scared that if I break up with him, people will think I’m ungrateful. Worse still, maybe I am. The stigma will follow me and who knows if I’ll ever find this love I so desperately want. Maybe I should just let it go and get married to Bode. I mean, what is my problem anyway? He is the typical Yoruba demon fit. He is tall, dark, and looks good all the time, whether in suit for a business meeting, agbada for an owambe or casual clothes for a lazy day. I know I feel some sort of affection towards him and I can’t even lie that I don’t feel so good when we go out and people turn to stare but he only has eyes for me. I love all the attention and gifts I get from him but we do not connect on the kind of emotional level that I need.
I can’t bring myself to break it off but I keep having this nagging feeling that I won’t be able to go on with the wedding.
Please help me, should I leave him and hope to find what I think I want or stay with him and try to be happy?
Vocabulary: Agbada– Yoruba men traditional wear; Owambe– Yoruba party for weddings, naming ceremonies, birthdays etc.
The Grace Ola